I always feel like killing myself?

Well I am 14 an I hate my life alot an everything good that will start happening to me will get destroyed completely. People will tell me to listen to my favorite songs but all it does is makes me remember the past an that the way I fell about my life etc. When people are doing good on something or get a big award I just don't even care like a say wtf who cares to myself I'll say that's super cool or something to be nice an when it comes to talking to people I can nearly even keep a conversation going I know my brother an my friends talk behind my back about me an its even the people who I maybe like. I even sometimes feel like I was crazy in the past I can explain it but most likely it is illegal if I say it an stuff I've done I completely hate it it makes me sad cause my dad everyday says what's wrong I guess he has a feeling I am sad an mad about my life but its only when I think about it people tell me to think about enjoyable things etc but they don't help. But I guess I'll go onto how it started. I first moved to Arlington with my dad an my new friend there showed mr YouTube etc an then I moved to Stanwood with my uncle causeparents divorced an at my uncles my sister showed me my older brothers porn magazines with nude girls in it an I i checked the history on my computer an I was 8 years old when this started an almost each day I started watching lots of porn thinking about raping people but then I slowly stopped watching porn an rarely think about raping an now I live in mountvernon an when I started going to the school people thought I was a hacker an dome person spreader it around school an girls think I'm a complete geek an hate me. But then another part I hate to is a few moths ago I started masturbating an now I can stop I try to but its like only at night when it happens. I don't know really what to to um I just want to start over!!!!!:'(. :'(